Why Does India try to Sledge?

A week ago my call was 0-4 for India, and at 0-2 the whitewash is on!

Credit where it is due, India have competed quite well at times and in fact inexplicably threw away the Adelaide test which they should have at least drawn. How was that for a brain explosion, it was almost West Indies like. Nonetheless I have been impressed by Murali Vijay and Kohli, and expected worse.

Along came Brisbane, a place where Australia never loses and once again they didn't disappoint. But some hilarity stuck out, in particular India and their new found love for sledging.

Sledging is a cricket exclusive term, or as Steve Waugh termed it... "Mental Disintegration". The Aussies of old used it beautifully to defeat the opposition with mind games and end contests before they even started. Just ask any England team pre-2005 or Daryll Cullinan.

But it is important to realize the most important ingredient the Aussies had, the batting and bowling riches to make it work. The wonderful oxymoron Glenn McGrath is the best example, hurling expletives in the opposition's faces and yet delivering the same dour ball at the same generous pace patiently waiting for the batsman to crack.

Which brings us to India who it seems have adopted the same tactic, hey it worked for them why won't it work for us? This problem is, they are hopeless at it.

So what happened in Brisbane?

• Ishant Sharma, after being utterly thumped all day throws a few f-bombs when removing Steve Smith.  Note that Smith was yet to be dismissed in the series so far and was on 133. Note also that this is one of the most useless bowlers in the game today and it wasn't even a good delivery.
• Rohit Sharma and Superstar Virat greet Mitchell Johnson to the batting crease with some foul mouthing off, followed by some "bouncers" and "fast bowling" of the Indian variety. He proceeds to belt them for 13 fours and a six and then shows them how it's done with the ball including both Kohli (1 run) and Rohit (0 runs).

"Economy rate less than 5, in your face!"

Ladies and gentlemen, this is *not* how it's done.

Add to that whinging more about umpiring (but DRS won't solve anything of course!), Kohli not having enough time to pad up, the practice wickets not being up to standard and apparently the food was no good either. Moan moan moan. 

The real mystery is why India decided to adopt the brilliant idea of annoying the Australians into hammering them. 

In the 90s - Indian teams would show up, get disintegrated, go home and await the return series for revenge. It was horrible, but at least we lost with dignity.

In the 00s - Sourav Ganguly taught the boys to stand up for themselves and push back when pushed. But these guys didn't go around picking fights, the likes of Dravid, Tendulkar, Kumble and Laxman continued to play with dignity and class. It wasn't sledging, it was simply refusing to be bullied and we saw some of the best and most competitive India-Australia cricket. 

In the 10s - We have Gambhir shoulder charging Shane Watson, whose shoulders are bigger than Gambhir himself. We have Raina and Dhawan flopping around on the field mocking an injured batsman. We have two-bit bowlers like Varun Aaron giving send offs to David Warner. Sir Jadeja, Kohli and the Sharmas are always willing to throw in their unwanted two cents, while Dhoni tells us it provides entertainment for the crowd. 

The Indian cricket team that I grew up with was all about humility and grace, they had adopted a more English approach of cricket being a gentleman's game. Now they have taken on the Australian model of turning cricket into psychological warfare, only without any actual weapons. It is all noise and hot air at the moment.

So this is the message to Team India... sledging while winning makes you Australia, sledging while losing makes you idiots.

A Letter from the DRS: Its Not My Fault

Dear readers, I can understand your hatred.

After a century-long tradition of on field umpires dictating play, you the cricket audience have been up in arms about my introduction to the game.  I am the Decision Review System, and I am here to pledge my case.

I have been tasked to improve on the human eye, I understand you make mistakes so I am available to you to make sure horrid umpiring decisions do not dictate our great game.  But instead I have been the subject of condemnation and torrents of abuse.

The simple fact is, I am merely misunderstood. My situation is analogous to building a house whose floor fell through and then blaming the hammer.

So who's fault is it really?

India
For your "overwhelming" support. Thanks.

Your Idiotic Rules
Who came up with the bright idea of limited referrals? If you are going to impose a limit, at least be realistic and give three or more.  I hear you argue that you don't want the players to waste them on 50/50 calls, but now we've landed the ludicrous situation where everyone including me knows its out except the poor sod on field who muffed it. But is it his fault? Alas no, its mine somehow.

Your Idiotic Captains
A smart captain, Mr Cook, uses me sparingly because of the aforementioned silly referral limits. He removes the howlers and the howlers only, anything that's iffy he goes with the on-field call. And voila, I hand him reviews for the rainy days.

A silly captain, Mr Clarke, uses me any which way he pleases and burns all his team reviews. When the real howler comes along I am no help.  And who's fault is that? Alas, mine somehow.

Shane Watson
The bane of my existence! Stop this blonde idiot from abusing me!

"Blasphemous... review it" © Getty

That goes for you too Mr. Sehwag, I haven't forgotten the World Cup 2011.

The On-field Monkeys
How does any sane human being miss the Stuart Broad edge to slips? Ok so maybe you did Mr Umpire, but here's an idea... use me! If you have caused an abomination that even players are obvious about (Mr. Broad's scarlet red face told a thousand stories), then why not just take it upstairs and let me do the rest? Meanwhile what is the second umpire doing, taking a nap? Again this is my fault? I literally had nothing to do with it.

The Off-field Monkey
Lo and behold you finally had the chance to use me properly. Mr. Khawaja misses it by a grand canyon and he rightfully sends it up to me to do my job, I dutifully show you multiple angles and hot spot to prove absolutely that it is not out, and what do you Mr Dharmasena? You give him! And who's fault is that? I hope dear reader you are beginning to see a pattern.

So how to fix this? 
Its actually quite simple.

• Tell India to be nicer to me.
• Give the umpires full control of me, if *they* think its a 50/50 call then send it up to me and I'll take care of it! I know you tried this once and thought I took too long, but for goodness sake its a five day sport.
• Make umpires accountable. Having a brain explosion might be less common if there was a real penalty apart from the name, shame and forget (other than you Mr. Bucknor, nobody forgot that). 
• Unlimited referrals. Maybe if you trust your players they will use me properly instead of a Who Wants to be a Millionaire lifeline.

And lastly and most importantly... stop blaming me. Folks I am nothing more than a supplementary tool to the existing umpiring system. I am not the magical solution to all things horrible in umpiring.

It is you that pushes the buttons, handle me with the love and care that I deserve and I shall grant you quality umpiring in return.

The 2013 Cricket Wish List

I'm not sure who this letter is addressed to, the ICC? The Cricketing Gods? Santa?

Whoever it may be, I have been a good cricket fanatic last year and I feel I am entitled to see the metaphorical stockings hanging over my fireplace filled with cricketing goodies. So here goes then, my wish list:

1. New Zealand Survive 5 Days
An administrators nightmare, the recent South Africa series had whole days featuring an empty stadium. Wouldn't it be nice to see my home country not embarrass ourselves and actually survive the new ball, build a real innings and not concede 500 all the time? South Africa didn't even bother sledging as Vernon Philander aptly put it, "I don't think you have to say much if they are 45 all out".

Ouch. © AFP

What will probably happen: 
I may get my wish but only because the Black Caps made friends with some rain clouds.

2. The DRS Finally Stays
I wish that the ICC grow up and start doing their actual job. This involves a kick up BCCI's backside and using our god given technological powers for the good of our beloved sport. If Dhoni was correctly given out yesterday's match would have had a whole new complexion. The days of dodgy umpiring dictating a match are over, or at least should be.

What will probably happen: 
Nothing.

3. The Champions Trophy is a Hit
I am in a minority but I actually like the 50 over tournament which works nicely as a quick-smart world cup event, bringing all the world teams together a bit more regularly than four years. Its only 15 games and it takes less than a month, if we can fit the IPL we can fit this.

What will probably happen: 
I will be writing an obituary for the Champions Trophy in June.

4. The IPL Flops
Which brings me to this. The IPL has run its course now as the guilty pleasure form of cricket and needs to take a firm back seat, especially after the way its mutilated Indian cricket. With the downfall of that dreaded team should come the downfall (or at least watering down) of this too-frequent annual event which dead halts all meaningful cricket for a month.

What will probably happen: 
Money talks unfortunately, business shall continue.

5. The West Indies Deliver
Its about time we saw a strong West Indies and finally they have eleven men who can actually do it. They have a willing leader, Chris Gayle, adequate support for Chris Gayle, real all-rounders, a quality spinner and some decent (but not great) quicks. We haven't seen this in about fifteen years and their time has finally come. First stop, Australia.

What will probably happen: 
Gayle gets injured, Samuels gets banned at the wrong time and therefore they lose the matches that matter.

6. Somebody Drops Gambhir
I should get this wish pretty shortly. Has anyone had a more blessed run after nearly two years of nothing in every form of the game? Well, he has contributed his big mouth with his "we'll see you at home" tirade after getting towelled in Australia. Fat lot of good that did son.

What will probably happen: 
Your guess is as good as mine with Indian selectors. He'll make a century soon (in India of course and after offering two dropped catches) and the feeble minded administrators will jump for joy at what a fine player he is. He'll secure his selection for another six months and then run himself out on 101.

Bring it on 2013!

Dear Ravi Shastri, Please Shut Up

With the Indian team crumbling into a miserable heap at the hands of the English seamers, perhaps the time was ripe for an off-field battle between some of the big heads from either camp. But before we get to that, lets make a few things clear about the status quo:

1. India have no excuses. Losing Zaheer Khan is probably the only piece of bad luck they may rue. Apart from that this is (more or less) a full strength Indian line-up.
2. India are not number one. And in fact they never were, they only ended up there as a temporary place holder in the lack of a true champion team.
3. England could be the real deal. The England's of the past would flatter to deceive, winning an important series before falling flat in those that follow. Not this one it seems, and once they get their ODI game in order, who knows... the next Australia?

But now to the point of the article. 

The Bombing of Pearl Harbor

Nasser Hussain, renowned for having a rather big mouth, made it clear what he thought when Harbhajan was unfairly given out lbw with a big inside edge. His two cents worth included “using incomplete DRS is disgraceful by BCCI”, as he correctly said that Harbhajan could have been there if complete DRS was allowed, and that hotspot is in fact less accurate than the ball tracking system, and yet India have opted for that. 

Granted the choice of words are not politically correct, Hussain is more or less right. But this is a very unflattering stick thrust smartly into the BCCI bee hive. How dare he criticize the big shots of India! 

The Atomic Bomb

The rebuttal, came from Mr Ravi Shastri. He struck back with this:

"They are jealous about the way the Indian Premier League is going. They are jealous about where India is in world cricket.

"They are jealous about the fact that India are world champions. They are jealous because of the money being made by the Indian cricket board.

"The bottom line is that they have never been bloody No 1 in the world in Test cricket.

"So don't criticise unless you have been there and know."

Do you Mr Shastri really think that India is *that* good? That they can flat out accuse someone of being jealous of their cricketing abilities, their money and even more laughably, the IPL? Take a good look at how this series is going sir, and learn some humility and respect. It is 2-0 and looking like 3-0 at the moment. Your commentary sounded like you were at a funeral as it was so depressing to see your beloved team being so soundly trounced. Tim Bresnan, the England number 9, is straight driving your best bowlers like they are club level rookies.

Your "bloody no 1 in the world" are playing like the no 1 joke. Beating a few teams on flat decks by out-batting them does NOT make a world number one team, and you will find out in due course don't you worry about that. Here's a fact, if it weren't for the soon-to-retire VVS Laxman and Rahul Dravid, India would be third at best. They would have lost to the West Indies. 

I used to think you were one of the few grounded and well informed Indian commentators, how wrong I was. You are just as delusional and arrogant as the rest of the muppets you are surrounded by. Funnily enough, as arrogant as they were, did you see the Australian commentators openly brag about how good they are? No. They only beat teams to a pulp and let the scoreboard talk.

Ravi Shastri, grow up and shut up.

The BCCI vs The DRS - The Height of Arrogance

Its not old news that our friends at the BCCI continue to utterly refuse the DRS system, their secretary saying as much once more yesterday. The previous reaction from most of the world including myself would be to shake our heads in annoyance, probably mutter a few profanities under our breath (quietly), and get on with life. Today it is different however, today I am compelled to dig deeper, perhaps get an understanding of the psyche behind all this, is there a motive underneath it all?

If this picture was the DRS run on the BCCI decision,
they would call this one not out despite the evidence, just because they can.

Let us try to formulate reasons as to why this ridiculous situation is with us:

Because Sachin And MS Say So
The two most powerful figures in Indian cricket, possibly all cricket, possibly all of India, claim that the technology is not 100% accurate. Perhaps the BCCI is no more than just a spineless extension of their voices? In that case, who are Tendulkar and Dhoni to make a critique on the DRS technology? Its like a McDonald's cashier having the power to stop them selling coke because he doesn't agree with the level of fizz. There is usually a players association present, a body that is supposed to be representative of the players, I haven't heard a squeak from them, if there even is one.

Because The Secretary Says So
Our friend the BCCI secretary, N. Srinivasan, claims boldly that they are a "structured organization" who "make their own decisions". Lets back track a second, who on earth is N. Srinivasan to be the judge on this? Does he even have a cricketing background? He is an industrialist from Chennai, who is he to be the face of the BCCI? As far as I am concerned he is no more qualified to make these statements than Queen Latifah. If there really was a structured organization, the players association would answer to him, and he would answer to the ICC. In a land where money talks, this is what happens.

Common sense was not in the job description.

Because The ICC Don't Say A Word
Srinivasan is the secretary for the Indian cricket board, not world cricket. He should have absolutely no say in this matter, yet as always there is a deathly silence from the so called governing body of world cricket. There needs to be a China mentality here, the ICC should be in charge, period. The sad reality of it all is that the ICC is merely a curtain, a faded doormat for one nation's selfish cricket board. In a recent survey, 94% of players agree that ICC does not act in the best interests of cricket, and 69% agree that the BCCI has an unfair influence on the ICC. The people are not blind, only the people at the top are.


Because The DRS Is Not Accurate
The big argument is that they cannot guarantee 100% accuracy and therefore the system is invalid. This is an unbelievably idiotic statement. Imagine you were making a return on investment, "yes yes we know that you can give me a nine dollar return on average, but you can't guarantee me ten dollars! Therefore I will settle for fifty cents. And so will the rest of the world because I said so". Physics, mathematics and statistics, the very foundations of our scientific knowledge are based on assumptions. Why do unlike poles attract and like poles repel? They just do, the same way the BCCI repels intelligence.

And So What Happens From Here?
As usual. Nothing.