The Super Smash Conundrum

In the continual flood of domestic T20 hooey raining upon us all year wide; athletes formerly known as cricketers strut about in coloured pyjamas engaging in high powered baseball cricket.  It's been on for a few years now, and with time it became clear that the IPL and the Big Bash reign supreme among the various PLs' in Pakistan, Bangladesh, The Caribbean and England.

But more importantly, and rather sadly, it became clear which of these tournaments didn't rise to the top, New Zealand's very own fast food variety, the Super Smash.

While one might not be a resounding advocate of T20, we have to accept it exists, it's here to stay, and even may even go as far as deserving its place as an energetic crowd-pull over a couple of lazy beers.

Our flavour is no different to the rest of the leagues, in theory at least; a series of domestic level teams tearing apart a torrent of bowling mediocrity, partaken on postage stamps as each forgettable match follows another until we have an equally forgettable 'champion'.

The difference is, our version is dead; but perhaps with a bit of foresight and imagination it doesn't have to be this way.

Two ways we can instantly fix it:

1. Bring In The People
Granted, it's not easy to plan around an international calendar for all three formats of the game, but there needs to be a deliberate effort made to get a T20 window blocked out. Guess what already found success in New Zealand? Rugby Sevens and Auckland Nines. 

Putting the fun in fun-sized, the heavily concentrated and time-boxed events worked wonders simply because they were easy to plan for and commit to; they packed a quick punch and it was over with without saturating it's potential.

Could this work for cricket? In T20 absolutely.

A one month tournament is insanely long, we simply do not have the spectator base to hold up that level of interest.  Trim it to a week.  

We only have six teams and have the ability to crack through two games a day - no different to a day out during a regular ODI match. If everyone plays each other once, that's 15 games + 1 final, easily done.  Turn each venue into a real carnival; milk it with fan zones, player meets, and the sureshot option of handing out free stuff.  Why not dish out free data spots offered by a happy sponsor?

Unlike vanilla cricket this is the chance to get creative, at the moment there simply isn't enough imagination.

2. Bring In The Players
Now that there's bums on seats, we need action.  The lack of cricketing star power has plagued our domestic competition for decades, there simply never is enough emotional investment.

Now with all due respect to the Carl Cachopas' and Scott Kuggeligns' of our world, the future of our sport needs to be playing alongside our top graders to develop themsleves and importantly truly get our attention. The team sheets are simply not magnetic enough to register on most radars.   We gamely try to give the competition TV & radio coverage, but this is all akin to Roger Federer's presence in Auckland in 2000. A diamond in the making is simply a lump of rock.

What do we really want to see?

We want to see Brendon McCullum ruthlessly charging Trent Boult, the way he audaciously attacked Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson.  Boult retaliates, rapping one into his ribs, McCullum then tries to counter but it nips back in a touch and he loses his pegs. Our country's best bowler versus our most lunatic batsman, now that I'll make time for.

How about Ish Sodhi fire through Ross Taylor like a hot curry with that wicked wrong'un, fresh after a couple of Taylor patented slog sweeps have disappeared into the banks.   Will a Tim Southee yorker land or get hit clean out of the ground by Martin Guptill?  Does the old fox Daniel Vettori still have a trick or two, or will the forgotten Jesse Ryder bash him out of the attack?

The Super Smash, should, have your answers. At the moment it's not asking questions.

If you start to introduce stakes to the game, then you might attract more riches - the Pollards' and Pietersens' of the world.  Get enough West Indians here and you might even get Chris Gayle touching NZ soil in the one format he really cares about.  Now there's a crowd puller.

Why not throw in a mandatory couple of under-19 players?  Cash in on a bit of free talent exposure.



These little encounters are the stuff of cricket, especially this brand of cricket.  It is designed to be grandiose and gladiatorial; what use is that without gladiators?

Cricket Max made the same mistake two decades ago, remember Carl Bulfin anyone? 

England Deserve to Lose It All

There was a time where it was fun to root for England, namely when they went about toppling the unbeatable Australians in 2005. The underdogs beating the Aussies at their own game playing with aggressive swagger and style.  It was great.

But that was nearly a decade ago. The so called English dominance of test cricket, brief as it was, is going through a painfully slow death where they can no longer play Ishant Sharma.

And they absolutely deserve it.

lol

There is a difference between the once great Australia and the once "great" England.  Australia were ridiculously good and they knew it, they could field three cricket teams who could blow apart anybody that dared to turn up. One would scream out for those precious moments when another team actually got the better of them (the aforementioned Ashes 2005, a prime example).

The Australians were deliciously, unapologetically arrogant.
But they were *not* obnoxious, and here lies the crux of the problem.

Despite the likes of McGrath, Lee, Warne, Hayden hissing and spitting at you on the field while butchering your so-called cricket team, off the field these guys were actually some of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. They were the ultimate oxymoron. (Well, other than Warne who continues to be a muppet).

But England were different. It was the English who threw jelly beans on the pitch during a test match against India, who had players turning up to training too drunk to throw a ball, who got drunk during a world cup and capsized a boat. One Australian was similar and he got banned for it, Symonds never got the leniency Flintoff or KP got.

But England were winning, and Swann was the new Warne, Prior the new Gilchrist, and some had the audacity to believe that Cook would one day beat Tendulkar's test match centuries record. Oh the cheek of it.

When the going got tough... the Australians reflected humbly and admitted hitting the bottom.  They kept quiet, licked their wounds and bided their time. (Yes yes... other than Warne).

England's responses to the pressure in comparison has ranged from the cowardly to the ludicrous.
Lets look at the highlights:

The Top 5 English Prats:

KP the South African
Number five on the English hall of fame is none other than the polarising pillock himself. Playing only for himself, wrecking the dressing room and back stabbing his captain are among his favourite hobbies. Poor Andrew Strauss (idiotically, but truthfully) told the whole world what he thinks of KP, at least he gave us the refreshing reality. England might not be much good these days, but they're certainly better off without this guy.

Broad the Ghostbuster
The excuse for reaching all new levels of fail was a result of a haunted hotel room and being tormented by ghosts borrowing their bathroom sinks. No really.

Swann the Sprinkler
This goof was once (and probably still is) England's leading spinner. Wisely or not he decided to jump the sinking ship before his precious test averages took a real beating, like a true champion.

Also proud winner of the "Most Punchable Face" award

Anderson the Wet Blanket
Unlike your classic fast bowling spearhead, the once big talking and sledge flinging James Anderson was reduced to tears during a last minute loss to the Sri Lankans. This guy couldn't even get a word out during the post-match interview as he was struggling through his own sobbing. Sobbing!

Did you see Brett Lee and Kasprowicz bawling like babies when they famously lost the Edgbaston test with mere minutes to spare? Dejected yes, but they were not calling for the Wah-mbulance.


And our number one prize goes to...

Trott the Con
Faced against a reborn Mitchell Johnson, England's biggest loser trotted off home citing "stress related reasons". Which might have been acceptable if a) he didn't carry on like an unlikeable upstart previously and b) he had a real mental illness! He more or less admitted to faking it to get out, even his own Englishmen condemned this coward.



So In Conclusion....
I don't say this often but, go you mighty Indians go! Give the English a series defeat at home. Maybe they will go back to the dark day of the nineties, but at least they were gentlemen back then.

India vs England - The Dhoni Backfire

The dinner menu for MS Dhoni this week will be a nice large slice of humble pie.

India were back on track in 'The Revenge Series', having been drubbed in England and Australia in last year they got their home formula nicely sorted:

• Prepare a pitch with less life than Valle de Luna
• The batsmen smash a total of 500+
• The spinners do the rest

And there you have it, twirl the ball in the same place all day long and wait for mistakes, it worked gloriously all throughout the nineties and even Australia couldn't do anything about it. The Ganguly era was a rare time when India learned to compete overseas, but last years 8-0 saw a revert back to old school tactics to at least make sure that they could wallop teams in their playground and feel a bit better about life.

Only it wasn't enough, not for a 'frustrated' MS Dhoni. 

He wanted more. The test match dragged on until the fifth day thanks to Alistair Cook, who is the real deal. The spinners had to bowl mammoth spells, and unlike the lion hearted Kumble who used to do it without fuss, our captain was having none of it. Apart from the usual anti-umpire rant along came a unique volley of demands.

"I want to see a lively pitch. More turn! More bounce! More spin!! How dare we get made to play for five days, I want the ball turning from ball one!".

I am Dhoni, hear me roar. © AFP

He got his wish and England were about to get a truer taste of Indian conditions. But two crucial things were forgotten.

• One of the best two off-spinners in the world is English, the other is not Indian.
• A turban clad bowler all set to resurrect his career and his name isn't Harbhajan.

Yes it became the Swann and Panesar show and the match was over in less than five days, although perhaps not in the manner MSD had in mind.

"Did he just say..  more spin?" © PA Photos

The tactic backfired spectacularly on our favourite Indian skipper, his spinners flopped, his batsman succumbed, and a certain Kevin Pietersen showed everyone how to really take the bowlers, the pitch and the conditions out of the equation. That man really does bat on a different planet to the rest of them and could have been *the* batsman of our generation, too bad he's an unlikeable twit off the field. 

The Indian batsmen on the other hand are all over the show, with Sehwag having his token good innings of the series already, Kohli in his overdue form slump, Yuvraj never could play spin for peanuts anyway. 

And our beloved Sachin Tendulkar, dear oh dear. Please don't continue to ruin your aura and legacy, we don't dare criticize you for so many years of outstanding service but you're Monty's bunny now? Really enough is enough. Pujara is proving to be a find and a true class player, a long way towards being the next Dravid but at least he can dare to dream.

In a nutshell then...

• So its 1-1 then with two tests to play, but whatever happens England applied themselves and earned a thumping test victory on Indian soil.
• This is something India never even looked like doing in the corresponding tour last year. 
• Mr Dhoni, be careful what you wish for son.

Kevin Pietersen is a Cocky Pillock

How far is a cricket player allowed to go before he becomes bigger than the game?

Kevin Pietersen is certainly not shy of controversy, dominating the media headlines with his usual hare-brained two cents while milking the celebrity status and culture for all its worth. The latest bombshell arrived recently, the demand for a dedicated IPL window so that he can forgo his international commitments for a quick cash grab. Only then, says our beloved KP, will he consider playing in all three formats for England.


The cheek of the fellow!


This is just a sample of the myriad of reasons why this is so ridiculously absurd:

• No player should be demanding anything from any cricket board, they should only be requesting at best. 
• He cited fatigue as one of his problems, and his proposal is to play all three formats alongside a full two month IPL season? 
• He cited homesickness as one of his problems, and yet he wants to disappear to India for two months?
• He's just not that good a player. England quite happily dispatched Australia without him, they certainly don't need him as much as he likes to believe.

"Remember what I said about missing you Honey?  WELL I LIED " © Getty

Unfortunately dear readers, this is merely the beginning of the end. Players have already begun prioritising  their dollar chase with Dwayne Bravo and Brendon McCullum needing 'fatigue breaks', and Indian cricketers in complete control over their calendars. The Sehwag's and Dhoni's of this world take holidays as they please. 

The wheels are in motion.  All round stupidity and greed of the players and boards alike are killing the ODI and possibly the test formats of the game, and none of this has anything to do with the apparent lack of quality of these forms. In fact they hands down produce better cricket than T20 ever will. Martin Guptill is a rare exception who preferred county cricket over the IPL, hats off to him.

But perhaps all is not lost. The death of the IPL will come, and it will resurrect the real forms of the game and pull away the glitzy curtain that so many have so ignorantly been gawking at.  More than that though, a hard stance is needed by the cricketing boards and coaches. They simply cannot let players get bigger than the game and must refuse to bend over to their ridiculous demands.

What we are witnessing is a major shift in the game, our sport is being challenged by the lure of completely unjustified amounts of money in return for cheap cricket and a slow death of actual technique and competition. England and South Africa are two of the exceptions in the world who know the place of the IPL and put international duty first, and as a result they will rightfully be the ones to contest the number one crown in the upcoming series. 

Andy Flower and the ECB have set the example by removing Pietersen, the Twitter-happy twit, from the T20 world cup squad.

England vs South Africa Preview

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, toddlers, adjudicators, cheerleaders, whoever you may be, wherever you may be, behold... its show time. The unofficial Test heavyweight championship between the two best teams in the world.

In one corner...
We have an overexcited English troupe who after downing some woeful Australians and Indians believe themselves to be the number one team in the world. The hyperbole king Mark Nicholas rambles on about  'Fortress England' and perhaps in desperation of a bandwagon after so many years of rubbish cricket, there is a loud and slightly overbearing chorus that sings out claiming world domination. But how good are they really? Is too much owed to the spectacular collapse of the previous champions?

In the other corner...
We have the touring party who have quietly accumulated success and fixed themselves comfortably in a position to make the next step and rise above England. They have had the goods for a number of years but have never quite established a position of complete dominance, usually thanks to the Australians.

Second best ain't the best matey. © Getty

Arguably and perhaps unfairly they have been ignored as worlds the number two team for too long, and this is their chance to finally strike gold and reach the top of the podium.

How do they compare?
To be frank, the teams are near identical on strength. The few differences are:

• Rudolph is average
• Swann is a better bowler than Tahir
• The Boucher eye incident means that Prior is the superior keeper
• England has more batting depth with Broad and Bresnan 

England win a few key match-ups there, however...

• Anderson is not Dale Steyn, no matter how much England love him
• Ian Bell is overrated, especially against quality bowling
• South Africa has express pace in Steyn and Morkel, the English rely on swing alone

The bottom line is that comparing them on paper is a fruitless exercise, both teams are more or less dead on with each side having minor holes but are otherwise very strong. They are both led well, coached well, they field well, and strike an ideal balance between donkey-like experience and youthful exuberance.

But who will win?

Its a coin toss really, but as a personal bias I want the South Africans to win mostly to quench the overbearing English ego's, and to keep a lid on Kevin Pietersen. South Africa simply deserve it, they have been tirelessly battling in the shadow of the Australians for two decades and England simply leap-frogged them to the top. Its time to take the crown and become the dominant force of cricket, once and for all.

No more choking. 

THAT word again? © Reuters

I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

India vs England Preview - The Showdowns Of The Past

Less than 24 hours away from what is without doubt the most eagerly awaited cricketing contest since this years World Cup. There is a genuine buzz in the cricket world, both real and cyber, as we all eagerly await ball one between the top two test cricketing sides waging war. But why the excitement one must wonder? This isn't India vs Pakistan, this isn't the Ashes, this isn't the long ongoing battle between South Africa and the Aussies. Is there even a recent history between these two sides?

As it turns out there certainly is, and one arguably just as bitter and controversial as the aforementioned 'rivalries' of world cricket. Lets take a moment to re-live some of the classic moments where these two egotistic sides clashed.

Caddick vs Tendulkar
   vs
The Gauntlet

India were coming into this crucial world cup match in 2003 fresh off a spanking at the hands of New Zealand and poor wins over Zimbabwe and The Netherlands. Our friend Andy Caddick (who is not Glenn McGrath) decided this was a ripe opportunity to sink his boots into India, quoting "India hasn't been up to the mark" and the real gimme, "Even Sachin did not play well despite his century".

The Comeback
Now whatever the history, whoever you are, Sachin Tendulkar is the greatest batsman of the modern era, and Andy Caddick is... Andy Caddick. Needless to say he got smacked around like a silly school boy, conceding 69 from his ten overs, his career most expensive figures, including a pull shot that send the ball flying clean out of Kingsmead. Just for good measure, Tendulkar found his mojo after that and finished the tournament as the leading run scorer.


Flintoff (and Johnny Cash) vs The Indian Batsmen
  vs  
The Gauntlet
Captain Flintoff seemed like a ridiculous idea at the time, and probably remains the case, but here was one match he can be remembered fondly for as the man at the helm. Setting India a gettable target of 313 with a full days play left, on a flat deck in India one should note, the match was looking like a either an Indian victory or a draw.

The Comeback
With Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' for inspiration, Flintoff and friends ripped through the Indians in a stunning seven wicket collapse for 25 runs, forcing a series 1:1 draw when it should never have been. These were signs of the turning point for England, showing backbone when teams of the past would have crumbled into jelly.


Ganguly vs Broad 
  vs  
The Gauntlet
Skinny, blonde, baby-faced Stuey Broad took objection to the mauling England were receiving at the hands of Ganguly and Tendulkar in this brilliant match at the Kensington Oval. He decided to verbally dish it out to Ganguly being the tough guy that he is, something like a blonde Hugh Grant impersonating your favourite Schwarzenegger character.

Its the deadly blonde curls that do it.  © Getty Images

The Comeback
Broad to Ganguly, SIX, stays over the wicket, not too much wrong with that but Ganguly opens his shoulders and drives that straight towards the pavilion for six - just over the boards. Creamed


Thank you very much.

Yuvraj vs Mascarenhas
  vs  
The Gauntlet
Same match, rewind a bit with Yuvraj Singh inexplicably entrusted to bowl the last over of the England innings. The underrated Dimitri Mascarenhnas happily plowed five consecutive sixes and left India chasing at least 20 runs more than they should have been. Yuvraj finished up with tail firmly between legs.


The Comeback
This came much later in *that* T20 series, with our blonde bombshell Mr Broad reaping the wounds of vengeance. Citing the Mascarenhas Mauling as the inspiration (as well as Freddy giving him an earful), Yuvraj set the match, the tournament, and the game itself on fire by blasting those six consecutive sixes. It doesn't stop there either as his recent ODI record vs England shows plenty of plundered red cherries since then.


Zaheer vs The Jelly Beans
  vs  
The Gauntlet
By jelly beans I do not mean a subtle metaphor for the English cricket team, I mean quite literally jelly beans. Taking the game and the rivalry to truly kindergarten levels, our mature English cricketers chucked a few jelly beans onto the pitch as Zaheer was batting. An action, almost equally ludicrously, Cook later described as being "blown out of proportion". This is a cricket match Mr Cook, not daddy day care.

The Comeback
A justifiably angered Zaheer found some of that promised old spark that ripped out Steve Waugh's stumps those many years ago. He tore into the England batting line-up and made sure Michael Vaughan's century ended in vain, giving India an easy 73 to chase and win. Sprinkle in some typical Sreesanth madness with shoulder barging, beamers and foot-long overstepped bouncers, this truly was a bizarre test match. More of the same please.

Yuvraj vs Pietersen
  vs 
The Gauntlet
The daddy of all confrontations, the clash of two supernova sized egos. Yuvraj, a pretty average test cricketer, started mocking Pietersen's rib injury by taking the mickey and making exaggerated limps while fielding. Not a great idea from a man who battles weight and laziness himself.

The Comeback

Pietersen gave Yuvraj a piece of his mind with this gem "you are a cricketer, you are not God. Concentrate on your cricket. I am tougher than you". Funnily enough it didn't end there either, with Pietersen calling him a "Pie Chucker", and Yuvraj ironically getting him out a few times with the very same loopy pies. This contest ended as a draw perhaps? To be continued?

Yes there is a history, there will be clashes, there will be skeletons dug up from the closet, everything a great cricketing contest needs. Lets hope the rain stays away.


Any confrontation missed? Feel free to add in the comments section.

World Cup 2011 - England vs Ireland Verdict

I said there was an upset on the cards, but I didn't expect it to be this spectacular. A glorious result, great for the associate nations and for the world cup. England were probably feeling slightly cocky after pulling off the tie against India recently, not anymore. Where and how did England lose this match?

This Is India
There is no other place in the world that Ireland will chase down 328. Suddenly India's batting powers are put into perspective and the status of international bowling in general needs a bit of a look. One thing is perfectly clear, bashing 300+ is no longer enough for anybody.

Pietersen's Madness
We know he is capable of brain explosions, but this one is a true classic. He has had no centuries since 2008, and its no wonder.

16.6	Stirling to Pietersen, OUT, would you believe it? I guess you would have to. Ridiculous end to promising innings. Having faced two deliveries from Stirling, and played neither well, Pietersen aims a cute, reverse-dab. Manages a top edge that loops up for O'Brien to gobble behind the stumps
	KP Pietersen c †NJ O'Brien b Stirling 59 (77m 50b 7x4 2x6) SR: 118.00

Cut the cutesies and get some runs please. © Getty Images

Death Batting, Or Lack Of
Buzzing along at 274/2 after 42 overs, England's 'late charge' produced 53 runs for six wickets, in 8 overs. In a world where 327 is the new 227, this was vital. These death over batting power-plays are proving to be a burden for batting teams, often collapsing in a mad rush rather than taking advantage. It really goes to show that stupid gimmicks don't replace skill.

The Luck Of The Irish
Or the butter fingers of the English. Joyce dropped on 21, Niall O'Brien on 11, Wilson on 0, Kevin O'Brien on 93 and Cusack on 32. The total cost, 67 runs and the game. Catches win matches folks, plain and simple.

And Of Course...

The toast of the town. Kevin O'Brien © Getty Images

The fastest ever world cup century.

What an achievement, and what a statement to the ICC. This world cup is alive folks.

World Cup 2011 - The Awful Television Ads

We Indians are a flamboyant bunch, it often shows with our exuberance, over-indulgence and color. Bollywood cinema is a prime example of this, unapologetically mindless, but great fun. It does not stop there, the passion is in full flow in our advertising, some of the best commercials I have seen come from India. Some of the most abysmal too.  I thought it would be amusing to look up some of the ads for the world cup. Presented from best to worst:

Pakistani Cricket Team in Airport - Pepsi

Sanity Score - 8/10

This is quite a good one. Nice and simple without laying on the cheese.

Sachin Tendulkar

Sanity Score - 7/10
Cute. Taking hero worship a little far though.

Harbhajan Singh - Pepsi

Sanity Score - 6/10

Amusing idea, taking particular cricketing skills, in this case the doosra (aka googly, wrong'un) and giving it a bit of a twist (no pun intended). Silly but I like it.

Keven Pietersen - Pepsi

Sanity Score - 4/10

The concept is not just exclusive to the Indian players either, Pietersen showing off his 'switch hit'. Notice how both the previous and this ad featured confused New Zealanders? I'm not a fan of overseas players and dodgy hindi though.

Billy Bowden - Pepsi

Sanity Score - 2/10

Ok, this is getting stupid now.

Dhoni and Friends - Pepsi
Sanity Score - 0/10
Oh. Dear. GOD.

If thats the first time you saw that, I apologize for ruining your life.