The Stokes-Starc Drama

We have just witnessed one of the real oddities of the game of cricket. 

In case you missed it:

• Kiwi-Englishman Ben Stokes hit the ball straight back to the bowler, the reputably aggressive Mitchell Starc
• Starc hurled it back at breakneck speed attempting to smash the wickets and remove Stokes baseball style
• Stokes stuck his hand out to block the throw and was subsequently dismissed for 'obstructing the field'

© foxsports.com.au

And now the cricketing world has blown up, a plethora of debate erupted from one ball of madness.

Question: Is it moral?

This topic is entirely subjective and farms out cricketing hypocrites like anything. The subject of 'gentlemen's game' and 'doing the right thing' is a red herring, even the cleanest outfit in the world has dirty laundry. The team in question is of course our humble Black Caps, remember the incident where McCullum ran out Muralitharan even though the universe knew he wasn't after a single? Now here he is on his high horse crying foul.

The Irish-Englishman captain in question has also taken the tall and mighty ground claiming he would have "withdrawn the appeal". Rubbish. I don't agree with Australians often, but George Bailey was bang on in calling this "a big thing to say". The poms are some of the worst when it comes to sporting behavior and moral standards on the field, the likes of Swann and Anderson are disgraceful.

They, and just about every other cricketing nation, has absolutely no grounds to call the card of "Blasphemy!  We would never do that!".

Question: Who do we blame?

There wouldn't be a debate if there wasn't somebody to point fingers at.

Suspect #1: Mitchell Starc. A bowler trying to destroy the stumps while fielding a return ball is commonplace. It could be a genuine attempt to run out the player, a cheap tactic to intimidate the batsman, or a dirty attempt to actually hit the batsmen. Usually only the Australians venture into the bottom end of the scale, as seen even by Starc himself taking aim at Kieron Pollard. *However* in this case I believe Starc was taking a legitimate shot at the stumps when the batsman was outside his crease. He was not trying to hit Stokes, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. 

Verdict: Not Guilty. 

Suspect #2: Ben Stokes. It is illegal to obstruct the ball from a fielders attempt at the stumps, he knew it and anyone with a reasonable eye on the game also knows it. However a look at the replays very clearly shows that this was all about self-preservation. He was genuinely concerned he was about to wear a leather red cricket ball coming at 200kph on his face, and stuck his hand out based on pure instinct and reflex. He was *not* trying to cheat and prevent his own run out. 

Verdict: Not Guilty. 

Suspect #3: The Rules. 

There is surprisingly a piece in the laws of cricket that captures the crux of this problem, self-preservation. 

Law 37 describes the following three circumstances where this applies, but the law is not limited to these circumstances. If, after completing the act of playing the ball, the batsmen willfully strikes the ball with a hand not holding the bat, unless this is in order to avoid injury, or any other part of his person or with his bat

This is a clear cut case of Stokes valuing his head (literally).

Verdict: Not Guilty.

This leaves one remaining culprit...

Suspect #4: The Umpires.
It went upstairs to be looked at, so the on-field umpires did the right thing here and called on the appropriate authority. They took the heat off themselves and avoided a rash and hurried decision. The third umpire then had the benefit of slow motion replays, interpreted the laws in a subjective and opinionated manner, and then sent Stokes on his way. In his eyes there would have been reasonable doubt either way, and in my opinion neither Starc nor Stokes were guilty... hence how can I fault the third umpire for taking a stance he had to make?
Verdict: Not Guilty. 

... Then who is guilty?

The answer is, nobody. And that is what makes any sport interesting.

The uncertainties and the debate are the life of the game. There isn't any right or wrong answer and it can be argued to death in every way. If it was possible to apply a mechanical decision on everything how boring would that be?

Truth is, the best we can all do is take a stance, have an enjoyably loud argument about it, and then get on with the rest of this fascinating series. 

England Deserve to Lose It All

There was a time where it was fun to root for England, namely when they went about toppling the unbeatable Australians in 2005. The underdogs beating the Aussies at their own game playing with aggressive swagger and style.  It was great.

But that was nearly a decade ago. The so called English dominance of test cricket, brief as it was, is going through a painfully slow death where they can no longer play Ishant Sharma.

And they absolutely deserve it.

lol

There is a difference between the once great Australia and the once "great" England.  Australia were ridiculously good and they knew it, they could field three cricket teams who could blow apart anybody that dared to turn up. One would scream out for those precious moments when another team actually got the better of them (the aforementioned Ashes 2005, a prime example).

The Australians were deliciously, unapologetically arrogant.
But they were *not* obnoxious, and here lies the crux of the problem.

Despite the likes of McGrath, Lee, Warne, Hayden hissing and spitting at you on the field while butchering your so-called cricket team, off the field these guys were actually some of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. They were the ultimate oxymoron. (Well, other than Warne who continues to be a muppet).

But England were different. It was the English who threw jelly beans on the pitch during a test match against India, who had players turning up to training too drunk to throw a ball, who got drunk during a world cup and capsized a boat. One Australian was similar and he got banned for it, Symonds never got the leniency Flintoff or KP got.

But England were winning, and Swann was the new Warne, Prior the new Gilchrist, and some had the audacity to believe that Cook would one day beat Tendulkar's test match centuries record. Oh the cheek of it.

When the going got tough... the Australians reflected humbly and admitted hitting the bottom.  They kept quiet, licked their wounds and bided their time. (Yes yes... other than Warne).

England's responses to the pressure in comparison has ranged from the cowardly to the ludicrous.
Lets look at the highlights:

The Top 5 English Prats:

KP the South African
Number five on the English hall of fame is none other than the polarising pillock himself. Playing only for himself, wrecking the dressing room and back stabbing his captain are among his favourite hobbies. Poor Andrew Strauss (idiotically, but truthfully) told the whole world what he thinks of KP, at least he gave us the refreshing reality. England might not be much good these days, but they're certainly better off without this guy.

Broad the Ghostbuster
The excuse for reaching all new levels of fail was a result of a haunted hotel room and being tormented by ghosts borrowing their bathroom sinks. No really.

Swann the Sprinkler
This goof was once (and probably still is) England's leading spinner. Wisely or not he decided to jump the sinking ship before his precious test averages took a real beating, like a true champion.

Also proud winner of the "Most Punchable Face" award

Anderson the Wet Blanket
Unlike your classic fast bowling spearhead, the once big talking and sledge flinging James Anderson was reduced to tears during a last minute loss to the Sri Lankans. This guy couldn't even get a word out during the post-match interview as he was struggling through his own sobbing. Sobbing!

Did you see Brett Lee and Kasprowicz bawling like babies when they famously lost the Edgbaston test with mere minutes to spare? Dejected yes, but they were not calling for the Wah-mbulance.


And our number one prize goes to...

Trott the Con
Faced against a reborn Mitchell Johnson, England's biggest loser trotted off home citing "stress related reasons". Which might have been acceptable if a) he didn't carry on like an unlikeable upstart previously and b) he had a real mental illness! He more or less admitted to faking it to get out, even his own Englishmen condemned this coward.



So In Conclusion....
I don't say this often but, go you mighty Indians go! Give the English a series defeat at home. Maybe they will go back to the dark day of the nineties, but at least they were gentlemen back then.

Why Australia Won the Ashes

Believe it or not, before this Ashes series began I predicted Australia to win comfortably.

It seemed ridiculous to most at the time and rightfully so, but here we are with Australia up three zip and the Ashes wrapped up and back on this side of the hemisphere in the shortest time frame possible.  I will admit I didn't predict such a comprehensive walloping, England are dead and buried and the old ghosts of the 90s are back. The English media have quickly forgotten that England were #1 not long ago.

Why would anyone back the Aussies? They had lost three Ashes in a row and were in complete disarray. Instead of playing good cricket they were busy failing their homework, giving Glenn Maxwell a test cap and punching Joe Root.

So how did things flip upside down?

© mirror.co.uk

The Last Ashes Were Close
Australia had the better of England for huge parts of the last Ashes despite being hounded with unkind rain gods, horrid umpiring and the existence of Phil Hughes.  If you look closer Australia nearly had the first test, and rain saved England twice... it wasn't that far away from being 3-2 to Australia, yet it reads as a 3-0 thrashing. Hindsight and luck of course, but 3-0 it was.

England were Good, Never Great
Australia were never knocked off their perch by a superior side, it was a kamikaze.  With the great Indian batting engine losing their reflexes with age, it was England and South Africa who were there to pick up the pieces.  South Africa is the superior of the two, but England benefited by not having to play them much and made the #1 ranking first.

They were never bad but they never touched the same heights Australia did during their pomp.  The likes of Cook, Trott, Prior and Anderson feasted on the highs and gave their averages a royal boost. But were the chips ever really down? Were they ever severely tested by a side? They are now.

Beware the Mongrel
Yes Australia fell off their own tree and smacked every branch on the way down. And once battered and bruised, they were kicked down, taunted and humiliated by everyone who cared to do so. Amla, Cook, Dhawan, you name it, they all had their glorified hour at sinking their teeth into Aussie flesh. It was more than a decade of hurt that was being paid back, and it was ugly.

Even New Zealand embarrassed them in their own backyard, the shame.

But did they go too far? Because the sleeping mongrel as been awakened.  Lets not forget they have a large pool of players and a very proud history and tradition. Australia never takes losing kindly and there is only so much shoving one can take before the wounded animal bites back.

© guardian.co.nz

Oh they're back, and they're hungry for more.

Darren Lehmann
There had to be catalyst to stir the pot and get the Aussies fizzing again, and a no nonsense and bloody minded *Australian* coach was the obvious answer. Enter Boof Lehmann.  Suddenly Australia have their mojo back, the battered Aussies have resurfaced and they let the world know all about it in Brisbane.  No more rotation policies, no more homework scandals, no more Phil Hughes, just 11 fired up angry blokes playing cricket.

But England had gotten so smug and unlikeable that the impossible finally happened, I *wanted* Australia to win. Its almost like the 2005 Ashes in reverse, the underdog is just so much more fascinating. Like democracy, one of these two cannot be in power too long before it starts to get infuriating. There has to be a balance.


And balance has been restored, for now.

Oh Black Caps... How Ye Flatter to Deceive

It was a cool winters evening in New Zealand and here I was, a humble supporter tuning into the late night cricket, brimming with optimism at the prospect of chasing down a reachable 239 to achieve glorious victory at Lords.  We had come fresh of a hard fought 0-0 stalemate at home with the 'moral victory' (if such a thing counts for anything at all), the apple was ripe for the picking to give it back to the motherland at no other than the home of cricket itself.

Mere minutes later alas, it was 29-6 at lunch and I amongst the few cheering the visitors on had no choice but to cave in and choose the infinitely more comforting warmth of the bedsheets.

What happened?

It seems we were due for a moment of madness after three and a half tests worth of quality cricket, which is usually about three and a half more than what is normally produced. Despite all the doom and gloom that has triggered memory loss amongst most fans for the months before this ill fated match, there is room for optimism.

1. Captain B-Mac
There were all sorts of shenanigans during the Ross Taylor vs Brendon McCullum saga as the battle between the humble crowd favourite and the cocky aggressor raged on. Every armchair critic and talk back caller had an ill opinion usually directed against the latter due to the poor handling of Taylor.

Seriously, you want this guy?  © Getty

But it is the latter who prevailed, and dare I say for the better. Yes he is cocksure and smarmy, but he's also an innovator as opposed to a reactor. When he came on board things started happening, he and Hesson have ensured us consistent selections, an aggressive mini-Australian attitude and the best use of McCullum with the bat, with middle order blasts as opposed to all or nothing approach when opening.

Under him we have seen an ODI series victory in South Africa and the 8th ranked black caps giving it to the 2nd ranked English. We needed a leader, not a nice guy. Yes we have seen a fair amount of crap with it, but ranging between extremes is still better than a constant hopeless lull of mediocrity.

2. An actual fast bowling unit
We can thank our bowling coach Shane Bond for this one. How is it that a nation of green tops couldn't produce seamers for years? Perhaps they were always there but we didn't know how to unearth them (or in the case of Neil Wagner, import them from South Africa). Suddenly we have three seamers with a bit of pace to go with their swing ability and we have Tim Southee bowling like a spearhead and not a buffoon with a big mouth.

Most importantly from a New Zealand perspective they are young and fit, the keyword being fit as Kiwi bowlers break down faster than Auckland's public transport.

3. What about the batsman?
Kane Williamson is a class act and will be the best thing we have produced since sliced bread and Martin Crowe. We have the hit and miss whackjobs of Taylor and McCullum but honestly little else. The others will have their days along with a few too many off days along side that. And when they all have an off day... well that is when 68 all out happens.

The Bottom Line
New Zealand will not be #8 for long, mark my words.  This is slowly becoming the best test team we have produced since the days of the early 2000s when we were sticking it to the Aussies and the English through Nathan Astle mutilating cricket balls and Shane Bond cricket bails.

So heres to better days than day 4 at Lords 2013.

India vs England - The Dhoni Backfire

The dinner menu for MS Dhoni this week will be a nice large slice of humble pie.

India were back on track in 'The Revenge Series', having been drubbed in England and Australia in last year they got their home formula nicely sorted:

• Prepare a pitch with less life than Valle de Luna
• The batsmen smash a total of 500+
• The spinners do the rest

And there you have it, twirl the ball in the same place all day long and wait for mistakes, it worked gloriously all throughout the nineties and even Australia couldn't do anything about it. The Ganguly era was a rare time when India learned to compete overseas, but last years 8-0 saw a revert back to old school tactics to at least make sure that they could wallop teams in their playground and feel a bit better about life.

Only it wasn't enough, not for a 'frustrated' MS Dhoni. 

He wanted more. The test match dragged on until the fifth day thanks to Alistair Cook, who is the real deal. The spinners had to bowl mammoth spells, and unlike the lion hearted Kumble who used to do it without fuss, our captain was having none of it. Apart from the usual anti-umpire rant along came a unique volley of demands.

"I want to see a lively pitch. More turn! More bounce! More spin!! How dare we get made to play for five days, I want the ball turning from ball one!".

I am Dhoni, hear me roar. © AFP

He got his wish and England were about to get a truer taste of Indian conditions. But two crucial things were forgotten.

• One of the best two off-spinners in the world is English, the other is not Indian.
• A turban clad bowler all set to resurrect his career and his name isn't Harbhajan.

Yes it became the Swann and Panesar show and the match was over in less than five days, although perhaps not in the manner MSD had in mind.

"Did he just say..  more spin?" © PA Photos

The tactic backfired spectacularly on our favourite Indian skipper, his spinners flopped, his batsman succumbed, and a certain Kevin Pietersen showed everyone how to really take the bowlers, the pitch and the conditions out of the equation. That man really does bat on a different planet to the rest of them and could have been *the* batsman of our generation, too bad he's an unlikeable twit off the field. 

The Indian batsmen on the other hand are all over the show, with Sehwag having his token good innings of the series already, Kohli in his overdue form slump, Yuvraj never could play spin for peanuts anyway. 

And our beloved Sachin Tendulkar, dear oh dear. Please don't continue to ruin your aura and legacy, we don't dare criticize you for so many years of outstanding service but you're Monty's bunny now? Really enough is enough. Pujara is proving to be a find and a true class player, a long way towards being the next Dravid but at least he can dare to dream.

In a nutshell then...

• So its 1-1 then with two tests to play, but whatever happens England applied themselves and earned a thumping test victory on Indian soil.
• This is something India never even looked like doing in the corresponding tour last year. 
• Mr Dhoni, be careful what you wish for son.

Kevin Pietersen is a Cocky Pillock

How far is a cricket player allowed to go before he becomes bigger than the game?

Kevin Pietersen is certainly not shy of controversy, dominating the media headlines with his usual hare-brained two cents while milking the celebrity status and culture for all its worth. The latest bombshell arrived recently, the demand for a dedicated IPL window so that he can forgo his international commitments for a quick cash grab. Only then, says our beloved KP, will he consider playing in all three formats for England.


The cheek of the fellow!


This is just a sample of the myriad of reasons why this is so ridiculously absurd:

• No player should be demanding anything from any cricket board, they should only be requesting at best. 
• He cited fatigue as one of his problems, and his proposal is to play all three formats alongside a full two month IPL season? 
• He cited homesickness as one of his problems, and yet he wants to disappear to India for two months?
• He's just not that good a player. England quite happily dispatched Australia without him, they certainly don't need him as much as he likes to believe.

"Remember what I said about missing you Honey?  WELL I LIED " © Getty

Unfortunately dear readers, this is merely the beginning of the end. Players have already begun prioritising  their dollar chase with Dwayne Bravo and Brendon McCullum needing 'fatigue breaks', and Indian cricketers in complete control over their calendars. The Sehwag's and Dhoni's of this world take holidays as they please. 

The wheels are in motion.  All round stupidity and greed of the players and boards alike are killing the ODI and possibly the test formats of the game, and none of this has anything to do with the apparent lack of quality of these forms. In fact they hands down produce better cricket than T20 ever will. Martin Guptill is a rare exception who preferred county cricket over the IPL, hats off to him.

But perhaps all is not lost. The death of the IPL will come, and it will resurrect the real forms of the game and pull away the glitzy curtain that so many have so ignorantly been gawking at.  More than that though, a hard stance is needed by the cricketing boards and coaches. They simply cannot let players get bigger than the game and must refuse to bend over to their ridiculous demands.

What we are witnessing is a major shift in the game, our sport is being challenged by the lure of completely unjustified amounts of money in return for cheap cricket and a slow death of actual technique and competition. England and South Africa are two of the exceptions in the world who know the place of the IPL and put international duty first, and as a result they will rightfully be the ones to contest the number one crown in the upcoming series. 

Andy Flower and the ECB have set the example by removing Pietersen, the Twitter-happy twit, from the T20 world cup squad.

England vs South Africa Preview

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, toddlers, adjudicators, cheerleaders, whoever you may be, wherever you may be, behold... its show time. The unofficial Test heavyweight championship between the two best teams in the world.

In one corner...
We have an overexcited English troupe who after downing some woeful Australians and Indians believe themselves to be the number one team in the world. The hyperbole king Mark Nicholas rambles on about  'Fortress England' and perhaps in desperation of a bandwagon after so many years of rubbish cricket, there is a loud and slightly overbearing chorus that sings out claiming world domination. But how good are they really? Is too much owed to the spectacular collapse of the previous champions?

In the other corner...
We have the touring party who have quietly accumulated success and fixed themselves comfortably in a position to make the next step and rise above England. They have had the goods for a number of years but have never quite established a position of complete dominance, usually thanks to the Australians.

Second best ain't the best matey. © Getty

Arguably and perhaps unfairly they have been ignored as worlds the number two team for too long, and this is their chance to finally strike gold and reach the top of the podium.

How do they compare?
To be frank, the teams are near identical on strength. The few differences are:

• Rudolph is average
• Swann is a better bowler than Tahir
• The Boucher eye incident means that Prior is the superior keeper
• England has more batting depth with Broad and Bresnan 

England win a few key match-ups there, however...

• Anderson is not Dale Steyn, no matter how much England love him
• Ian Bell is overrated, especially against quality bowling
• South Africa has express pace in Steyn and Morkel, the English rely on swing alone

The bottom line is that comparing them on paper is a fruitless exercise, both teams are more or less dead on with each side having minor holes but are otherwise very strong. They are both led well, coached well, they field well, and strike an ideal balance between donkey-like experience and youthful exuberance.

But who will win?

Its a coin toss really, but as a personal bias I want the South Africans to win mostly to quench the overbearing English ego's, and to keep a lid on Kevin Pietersen. South Africa simply deserve it, they have been tirelessly battling in the shadow of the Australians for two decades and England simply leap-frogged them to the top. Its time to take the crown and become the dominant force of cricket, once and for all.

No more choking. 

THAT word again? © Reuters

I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

The Australian Collapse: Has It Been Worse?

It was the early hours of the morning when I was tuned into the forever reliable cricinfo.com text commentary for the South Africa vs Australia test match. Fresh off (what I thought then) a career defining 151 from Michael Clarke, I witnessed the (what I thought then) underrated Shane Watson produce a record breaking five wicket haul and a typical South African choke. At 96 all out at nearly 2am in the morning, sleep took quick preference over this supposedly dead test match.

But alas!

In the car on the way to work, and the good folk on talk-back radio were going bananas the next morning. I remember distinctly thinking that 96 all out is a bad effort, but nothing to be flipping upside-down about, what's all this excited chatter? Then I realized they weren't even talking about them, the king of chokers were out choked themselves. Repeat after me, 47 all out, Australia. Forty Seven. All Out.

No? Try this one for size, 9 for 21. Nine Australian wickets, 21 runs. Hasn't quite sunk in yet? Me neither. The most ridiculous result since these two teams produced the 438 run chase. 

The first thoughts for everyone were how can a team as good as Australia be quite so abysmal.

• Was it the pitch? Nope, as Amla and Smith showed us with glee. 
• Was it the pressure? Not with a huge first innings lead. 
• Was it amazing bowling? It was solid at best, but no demolition job.

why why WHY © Getty

Excuses nil, it was just bad batting. Exceptionally and inexplicably bad batting. The question I put to you dear reader is, has it ever been this bad? Has a test team of this quality ever been ripped away in such a manner? The Cricket Musings aims to find out (at least for the last decade or so), along with a grading of possible excuses.

Case 1: India Fail. New Zealand Epic Fail

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/64021.html

India were the laughing stock of the world after Shane Bond finished them off the in first test of this series. A series famous for is green tops that made Daryll Tuffey and Andre Adams menacing (!), things were no better as India slumped to a pathetic 99 all out after another inept display. But the real laugh arrived when New Zealand themselves were blown away for 94 all out, three innings in one day. Too bad that India couldn't capitalize and gave New Zealand a poor 160 as the successfully chased down fourth innings target, but it was nonetheless a harsh lesson for a team only slightly worse than the tourists.

Pitch Quality: D

Bowling Quality: B

Stupidity: B

Case 2: Australia Squander 107

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/64102.html

Having already crashed India's party at home by bowling them out for 104 with a 2:0 lead in the series, Australia were left to chase 107 after a manic Indian third innings saw Laxman and Tendulkar manage important 50s and Michael Clarke take bowling figures of 6 for 9. Michael Clarke successes are a bad omen it seems, as Australia were bundled out for 93 on what was a dodgy Mumbai minefield. When was the last time Bhajji ran through a line-up? This was probably it.
Pitch Quality: D
Bowling Quality: B
Stupidity: B

Case 3: West Indies Destroy England

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/current/match/63639.html
It was a rare and beautiful thing to see the Ambrose and Walsh machine fire on both cylinders, and when it does happen only devastation is left in its wake. England were the unfortunate victims this time, forget the entirely achievable target of 194 because when you get the greatest fast bowling partnership of our generation, almost nothing is achievable. Given the bowling quality, it seems a miracle they even got to 46.
Pitch Quality: B
Bowling Quality: A+

Stupidity: not applicable

Don't even bother turning around son. © PA Photos

Case 4: West Indies Destroy England - Deja Vu

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/352661.html
Fast forward fifteen years later and we have a strong English unit and a generally woeful West Indies. The poms were looking to wipe away the first innings lead the West Indies had, a measly 73 runs. Too bad then that they didn't even get that far, as Jerome Taylor in a career one-off performance, smashed England to bits as they succumbed to 51 all out. Those old skeletons of 1994 were back in their glory. England recovered and this wasn't the defining turning point for West Indies cricket, but what a great piece of nostalgia it was.
Pitch Quality: B
Bowling Quality: A

Stupidity: not applicable

Case 5: The Adelaide Ashes Choke

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ausveng/engine/match/249223.html

Not so long ago England were fodder, and this match was ample proof of it. Having met Australia eye to eye in this important 2nd test, England were faced with one day to play out the draw. They met an inspired Shane Warne instead who helped demolish them for 129 all out in 73 overs of truly aimless batting giving the Australians a target of 168, accepted with glee at more than 5 runs an over. It set the tone for a famous 5-0 whitewash, the most damaging thing being that one of the Glenn McGrath predictions actually came true.
Pitch Quality: A
Bowling Quality: A

Stupidity: A

Case 6: The Fawad Alam Debut From Hell

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/403368.html

Poor Fawad Alam. Ignored by the selectors now, he produced a classy 168 on debut and that too in Colombo. With no Murali around Pakistan were cruising along at 285-2 with a nice healthy lead and their sights on a fourth innings target touching the 300 mark. Wrong, chaos ensued.


2-285 (Younis Khan, 78.1 ov), 3-294 (Mohammad Yousuf, 81.2 ov),4-303 (Misbah-ul-Haq, 86.5 ov),
5-303 (Fawad Alam, 87.2 ov), 6-306 (Kamran Akmal, 88.3 ov), 7-312 (Shoaib Malik, 89.2 ov),
8-316 (Abdur Rauf, 90.2 ov),9-319 (Umar Gul, 95.4 ov), 10-320 (Saeed Ajmal, 96.4 ov)


It all started with Younis Khan attempting and failing a dumb reverse sweep. Sri Lanka knocked off the eventual target of 171, losing nine wickets for 35 in a true definition of losing the plot.

Pitch Quality: B
Bowling Quality: C

Stupidity: A

How about that sprinting career then? © AFP

Case 7: Pakistan's 50s... In The Same Match

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/64002.html
Arguably the worst performance by a batting team in test match history. Pakistan needn't have bothered turning up as they registered their lowest score in test history, folding for 59 all out. Not content with that, they lowered their own mark in the same match with a second innings response of 53 all out. The match was over in two days, and in the wise words of Steve Waugh "You expect to have to fight a bit harder than that to win a Test match". 

Pitch Quality: B
Bowling Quality: A

Stupidity: A+

The bottom line: Australia, you were not alone. Rest a little easier.

Think of any more? The comments section below awaits!

The Dhoni Rollercoaster

Mahendra Singh Dhoni. The biggest name in Indian cricket bar Sachin Tendulkar. His rise to the top is nothing short of extraordinary, scaling heights in a manner that would make any rock climber blush. Literally he went from zero to the top in five years, and on the way acquiring magic powers that no other cricketer can boast:

• Choosing when to play (in order of revenue).
• Choosing where to bat (#3 if the score is 200-1, #7 otherwise for a guaranteed not-out).
• Halting a review system that the entire cricketing world embraced.
• Turning a god awful slap into a famous "helicopter shot".
• Starting a hairstyle trend.
• Being immune to criticism and the axe.
• Being the only captain allowed to keep the same IPL team (hence winning).
• Getting umpires fired at will.

There is no denying one thing, Dhoni is a very shrewd character. With well thought out batting promotions, deadpan media interviews and a controversy free life outside cricket, he managed to climb his way to the very top of everybody's praise list. Proudly he stands at the top of Everest while other more worthy cricketers tried and failed at hill tops.

Lets take a ride of the Dhoni Rollercoaster and experience the meteoric rise (and fall).

BANG!

Dhoni announces himself as a young buck with a mullet and a ferocious bat swing, clubbing a fun filled 148 off 123 deliveries, and that too against Pakistan. The very definition of raw batting, and being a wicket-keeper, that's Parthiv Patel and Dinesh Karthik in the dustbin. 

The realist says: Hah check this guy out! If he really can keep wickets, then he'll have a bright career as our own Mark Boucher. Good signs.

BANG!

That same year Dhoni makes mince of Vaas, Murali and friends with a bulldozing 183 off 145 deliveries, including an astonishing ten sixes. Tendulkar made 3 that day, his presence barely registering as Dhoni  scooped up the man of the series award and a contract with the BCCI. He's here to stay.

The realist says: Hmm that was a double century beckoning, thwarted only by lack of runs for the chase. Maybe we have a serious limited overs weapon here, albeit an India-only one.

Dhoni #1 in ODIs! 

After bashing around the Pakistani's yet again, this time in lower order match winners, Dhoni marched onto the #1 ranking in one-day internationals. There is no looking back now for the wonder boy from Jharkhand.

The realist says: What the heck, how did that happen? Boy do these ICC rankings change quickly, suddenly he is a better batsman than Ponting! Lets just mention that out of his first 43 games, a convenient 5 were outside of the sub-continent batting friendly pitches. A few more overseas tours and things will level out.

Captain Dhoni to the Rescue!

The young guns of India rally and defeat the very best of the twenty 20 world and take away their first world cup since the famous 1983 victory. Dhoni was the man in charge, and with the help of Yuvraj Singh's bat, RP Singh's swing and a ridiculously dumb Misbah-ul-Haq shot, a young India won in grand style. Dhoni was hailed a hero, and finally we have a captain!

The realist says: Whoa now hang on a minute, Dhoni contributed little to nothing with the bat, and took HUGE gambles which through sheer luck paid off (Joginder Sharma is rubbish). By a combination of injuries and selection woes, in other words, purely by process of elimination, he got the job. You can't be serious about him taking over as captain? This is T20 cricket!

Dhoni Defeats The Mighty Aussies!

For the first time, ever, India take home the CB series in Australia led by the inspirational Dhoni. He promoted himself on various occasions and chipped in with sensible singles, putting to bed the Dhoni of old who would try and blast the bowling into oblivion. Great maturity and class to help bring down the mighty cricketing empire, in their own back yard.

The realist says: Granted that Dhoni helped out here and there, it was Gambhir and Sachin who really played the crucial hands. This was an impressive landmark victory, but it had a lot to do with the ageing Australia contributing to their own downfall with a tired performance. Dhoni's timing to become captain was truly immaculate, luck!

Dhoni ICC ODI Player of the Year - For Two Years!

There is no better limited overs cricketer than Dhoni in 2008 and 2009, mastering the art of switching between dynamic aggression and controlled finishing, he has become the new Michael Bevan of cricket. Add to that a great test record including four centuries, truly our best wicket-keeper batsman in history!

The realist says: Here's a fun fact, only around 30% of his ODI's are played outside of the subcontinent, and less than half the test matches. Here's another one, Dhoni has never scored a century outside Asia, in any format, ever. Definitely a decent player but bit of a stretch to call him number one in the world.

Dhoni leads India to #1 Test Ranking!

For the first time ever India has a formidable test team. Actually managing to win a few overseas tests, they secured some important results in England, New Zealand and South Africa, and of course beating the Australians *once again* at home. Dhoni is the perfect captain with an unbeaten test record, and life is good.

The realist says: Lets not forget that the Australians are falling apart like a house made of hay. Admittedly the Indians are playing good test cricket and deserve their ranking, but the real heroes are the Laxman's and Dravid's who time and again have saved them from the dead. At one time there were four ex-captains in the team with Dhoni, who really is just a happy passenger.

Dhoni wins the World Cup!

Finally, undisputed champions of the ODI world! Dhoni's place in the hall of fame is all but guaranteed as he lifted the World Cup for the second time in India's history. The road to the final included beating defending champions Australia and the red hot Pakistani and Sri Lankan teams. There is no question that in the reins of Dhoni, life is a million bucks (literally). Bring on England!

The realist says: Apart from the final where he stole Yuvraj Singh's job (another shrewd self promotion folks), his other major contributions to the cup was complaining about the DRS system and being the first guy to the podium. For goodness sake can we stop attributing *everything* to him!

CRASH

Dhoni leads an unfit and unprepared bunch to the English shores, chock full of opposition players brimming with skill and confidence, and a hunger to be number one. What followed as a 4-0 drubbing so ridiculous, so embarrassing that not one excuse washed with anybody, even the Indian media. There is a gentle hush around Indian cricket, suddenly Ravi Shastri has nothing to say and everyone sits back in suspended disbelief. All that build up for this massive anticlimax?

The realist says: Feeling the pinch of gravity are we?

What lies ahead?

After that fierce ride up, Indian cricket is zooming back down at breakneck speeds, Dhoni in the front seat. Will it rush back up and meeting more twists and corkscrews? Or will the rollercoaster continue to run its course and come to a crashing halt?

Dhoni is by no means a poor cricketer, he is at best a decent keeper with good temperament and the ability to play a useful innings in helpful batting conditions. Yet instead, he has propelled himself to all sorts of heights and achievements.

Luck my friends, and a lot of it. The true test of his rollercoaster ride is about to begin.


All stats courtesy of Cricinfo.com
All images courtesy of Getty Images and AFP

England vs India - Series Review

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

No words necessary. © Getty Images

The Cricket Musings can be pretty pessimistic, but I don't think anybody on earth saw this coming. What transpired over the last month was a performance so pitiful and even the West Indies and Bangladesh would go home crying in shame. Make no mistake, it was nothing short of an atrocious performance with no excuses. One would even feel sorry for the Indians, if not for their overly smug and brash attitude (jealous are we?).

The Numbers Don't Lie:

• India were bowled out every single innings, that's 80 wickets lost. They made it to 300 once, their average score being 256.
• England only had to bat six times, and were only bowled out twice, and one of those was a total of 554. Their average score? A whopping 468 and that too with four declarations.
• Only Rahul Dravid managed more than 300 runs for India. He was nearly 200 runs shy of the next best in Tendulkar, and his series average 76.83 made him a man among toddlers.
• Only Praveen Kumar operated at a bowling average under 30, England had three.
• Of the ten centuries scored, three belonged to India, all Dravid. 
• The last time India was white-washed was 11 years ago in Australia. 

And don't forget those were the days when India would bat like rag dolls anywhere outside the batting paradises of the sub-continent. This Indian team came to the English shores boasting a #1 world ranking. They go home as #3.

Doing a report card on the players would be an utterly pointless exercise, as every Englishman deserves at least 8 and every Indian who is not named Rahul Dravid deserves at most 2.

So what the heck happened? 

Is it even possible to pinpoint how a team can suddenly be so abysmal? A team only putting up a show in one match only for Tim Bresnan to blow them away? Perhaps surprisingly, the answers were always there, the cracks were merely invisible under the shiny gloss of big talk, the world cup victory and the so called world number one ranking. 

The truth is:

1. India were always unfit. For many years a number of key players were constantly breaking down with injury. Previously slim players are suddenly lazy, paunchy and tired. Handling this for fifty overs was possible and made it look like there was no issue. When it becomes 450 overs, it becomes painfully clear.
2. India never could field. The number of dropped catches, misfields and lumbering chases for the ball has been nothing new. Only Suresh Raina had any sort of energy and ability.
3. India have 1.5 bowlers. And one of those was Zaheer Khan, who's injury sealed the fate of the 'attack'. Praveen Kumar is the 0.5, who deserves special mention for his tireless and lionhearted efforts out there. Bhajji was always dead wood. Ishant and Sreesanth only bowl one or two good spells a series. Mishra and RP Singh never had the experience or the tools to do anything meaningful. Without a McGrath or Steyn, we will always be behind.
4. India don't win much. Perhaps the harshest reality of all. "But, but we are number one!" you say? Look at the recent results, in the past five years, India have drawn a ridiculous 19 matches, nearly equalling their win record of 22 matches. These draws came about with their gun batting line-up flaying the bowling on dead pitches, and an inability to take 20 wickets. 
5. The batting machine had to fail finally. How often did Laxman or Dravid (or even Bhajji!) bail them out of embarrassing situations with the bat. With any number one team, there will always come a time where the bowling and fielding will be tested, and India were never up to standard there. A team built on batting alone can only go so far.

Time to cut down on the Pakodas son. © Getty Images

The Bottom Line

If you look at the facts, India only really made it to the top as a place-holder for the declining Australians. A heavy weight of drawn series and matches is definitely an improvement from the 90's, and they are rightfully third on the ladder. But its time to stop being delusional and pretending this team was good enough to hold down the top ranking for very long.

It is a harsh wake up call, but a necessary one. You cannot take test matches for granted, a champion team is built on eleven players forming a batting, bowling and fielding unit with the mental fortitude to outlast the opponent over five days.

England, in other words.