England vs South Africa Preview

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, toddlers, adjudicators, cheerleaders, whoever you may be, wherever you may be, behold... its show time. The unofficial Test heavyweight championship between the two best teams in the world.

In one corner...
We have an overexcited English troupe who after downing some woeful Australians and Indians believe themselves to be the number one team in the world. The hyperbole king Mark Nicholas rambles on about  'Fortress England' and perhaps in desperation of a bandwagon after so many years of rubbish cricket, there is a loud and slightly overbearing chorus that sings out claiming world domination. But how good are they really? Is too much owed to the spectacular collapse of the previous champions?

In the other corner...
We have the touring party who have quietly accumulated success and fixed themselves comfortably in a position to make the next step and rise above England. They have had the goods for a number of years but have never quite established a position of complete dominance, usually thanks to the Australians.

Second best ain't the best matey. © Getty

Arguably and perhaps unfairly they have been ignored as worlds the number two team for too long, and this is their chance to finally strike gold and reach the top of the podium.

How do they compare?
To be frank, the teams are near identical on strength. The few differences are:

• Rudolph is average
• Swann is a better bowler than Tahir
• The Boucher eye incident means that Prior is the superior keeper
• England has more batting depth with Broad and Bresnan 

England win a few key match-ups there, however...

• Anderson is not Dale Steyn, no matter how much England love him
• Ian Bell is overrated, especially against quality bowling
• South Africa has express pace in Steyn and Morkel, the English rely on swing alone

The bottom line is that comparing them on paper is a fruitless exercise, both teams are more or less dead on with each side having minor holes but are otherwise very strong. They are both led well, coached well, they field well, and strike an ideal balance between donkey-like experience and youthful exuberance.

But who will win?

Its a coin toss really, but as a personal bias I want the South Africans to win mostly to quench the overbearing English ego's, and to keep a lid on Kevin Pietersen. South Africa simply deserve it, they have been tirelessly battling in the shadow of the Australians for two decades and England simply leap-frogged them to the top. Its time to take the crown and become the dominant force of cricket, once and for all.

No more choking. 

THAT word again? © Reuters

I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

India vs West Indies 3rd Test - The Script

On the eve of Day 5 in the Mumbai test match, it seems the match is going nowhere but a draw. Luckily for us, the West Indian think tank had other ideas...


Ottis Gibson: Okay boys time to execute Plan C, we engineer a Callypso Collapso on purpose and bowl out the shocked Indians.
Darren Sammy: Wait a minute... we had a plan to begin with?
Shiv Chanderpaul: Coach, not such a hot idea with all the spot fixing allegations going on.
Ottis Gibson: We are the West Indies cricket team, minus you.
Shiv Chanderpaul: ... point taken.
Graeme Smith: Worked for us!
Michael Clarke: Yeah yeah...

And so play began...

Dhoni: Sakshi? Ya its me, get the pakoras ready I'm coming home early.

But the West Indies innings swiftly ended...

© AFP

Darren Sammy: I think that was too obvious, even for us.
Cricinfo: Memories of Dominica! And we won't stop reminding you.
Virender Sehwag: Relax guys I got this.
Cricinfo: <Sehwag cliché load complete> Sehwag leads India to frenetic start!
Virender Sehwag: Fifty already? I'm bored.
Cricinfo: V Sehwag c Sammy b Bishoo 60 (87m 65b 8x4 0x6) SR: 92.30
Sachin: Target not big enough for a century.
Cricinfo: SR Tendulkar c KA Edwards b Samuels 3 (6m 7b 0x4 0x6) SR: 42.85
Dhoni: Rahul, we better force a result this time so don't pull any of your stunts.
Cricinfo: R Dravid c sub (D Ramdin) b Samuels 33 (82m 49b 1x4 0x6) SR: 67.34
Dhoni: You too VVS, we don't want the media to think we depend on you. Lets leave it to The-Future-Of-Indian-Cricket.
Cricinfo: VVS Laxman c Barath b Rampaul 31 (67m 53b 1x4 0x6) SR: 58.49
VVS Laxman: I should have stuck to being a doctor.

The Indian batting order fell away...

Dhoni:  Mmm pakoras.
Cricinfo: MS Dhoni c KA Edwards b Rampaul 13 (45m 37b 1x4 0x6) SR: 35.13
Darren Sammy: I can't believe this is working.
The-Future-Of-Indian-Cricket: Time to show off my patience and maturity, despite my youth.
Cricinfo: Oh he's so patient and mature, despite his youth!
Dhoni: Do you mind moving things along.
The-Future-Of-Indian-Cricket: It's all about the drama boss, haven't you seen Lagaan?
Cricinfo: V Kohli c Sammy b Bishoo 63 (136m 114b 3x4 1x6) SR: 55.26
The-Future-Of-Indian-Cricket: Damn.
Bad Light: I'm staying out of this.

The climax was upon us...

Ashwin: My selection is secure, you can have this one Darren.
Darren Sammy: But your first innings century was full of shots more delicious than pakora! Take it.
Ashwin: Not if we keep blocking!
Darren Sammy: Not if we keep bowling Marlon Samuels!
Aswhin: Not if Ishant and I run ourselves out!
Darren Sammy: Not if we fumble!

Before either side could make up their minds...

Cricinfo: Oh for goodness sake.
Minimum Overs: That's it I've had enough of this.

And so a scores-levelled draw occurred, only the second in history...

The People: Test cricket is alive and well! All they have to do is keep batting like morons.
Sachin: Well at least I'll have the West Indies ODIs to sort out my century of centuries.
Indian Selectors: Ahem.
Cricinfo: Dhoni, Tendulkar rested ahead of Australia tour
Sachin: (sigh)

South Africa vs Australia Series Review - We Have Been Robbed

World cricket is at war.

In one corner, we have the front bench crowd with small attention spans and an insatiable lust for sixes and cheap thrills. They are backed up with cash hungry administrators and sponsors looking to turn the game into  a business. And on the other there is the rest of us, those who crave for one simple thing, real cricket.

And by george we got some real cricket.

This series was ample proof of what the beautiful game has to offer in its purest form. It does not require gimmicks, cheerleaders and atrocious piggy backs such as the 'Free Hit'. The true recipe is two quality sides, zero corruption and a neutral pitch. We live in the insulting batting age where the flat decks of Mohali are termed as 'good pitches'. This series showed us exactly what a cricket pitch needs to be, reward for skill.

For what it was, the stalemate was the most interesting cricket we have seen in recent times. Neither team, already bitter rivals with a short but incredible history, managed to take the ascendancy. Both teams continued to be the victims of their own insecurities, unwilling to put the opposition to bed once and for all. And we the spectators benefited the most, watching two teams crash back and forth is a mighty load of fun.

Crashing taken literally sometimes © AFP

If you scroll back over the last six months or so, there has been plenty of forgettable cricket. It is no coincidence either that most of this was the limited overs format, does anyone even bother to care who wins these Twenty20 matches? The biggest shambles of them all was the Champions Trophy T20 tournament, which serves more like the idiot cousin of the football equivalent. An ego trip, at best. If we ripped that poor show out of the cricketing calendar, we could have had a third test match.

A third deciding test match, just imagine the tantalizing possibilities.

The solutions unfortunately rely on the likes of the ICC and the BCCI to wake up to these facts. It will rely on a complete implosion of the IPL as well as a large enough outcry from the fans and players alike to rally against poor cricket and support the cream of it. Martin Guptill recently gave up his IPL contract to take on commitments in the longer formats in first class English cricket. There is a shining example.

Much like like a movie trailer, we saw a quick preview of an enthralling spectacle. We have all been left with empty feelings while the players are left scratching the heads, caught in an unsatisfied limbo. There will be no full length motion picture to follow, it shall remain 1:1 and cricketers and spectators alike shall forever remain robbed.

Thank You Zimbabwe, For Helping Save Test Cricket

Everybody likes an underdog. The David vs Goliath battle inherits a unique charm about it, and with all the long years of turmoil and suffering that Zimbabwean cricket has been going through, it seems the corner has been finally turned. New heroes are emerging, and none more so than Brendan Taylor, who at still only 25 years of age has a long and prosperous haul ahead of him. Sample this for a Bradman-esque series:

• Two T20s - 50* & 1 (the only failure)
• Three ODIs - 128*, 107* & 75
• Only Test Match - 50 & 117

Yes it was against New Zealand, a truly toothless bowling unit. However he is fast becoming a talisman for Zimbabwe, the next generation Heath Streak, and good luck to him as well.

However the key point of this post is not a tribute to Taylor, it is a tribute to the Zimbabwean attitude on the fifth day. On day five the target was 366 runs, sitting at 61/2 overnight. The conservative or dare I say sensible approach would have been to enter Dravid mode and bat out the day seeking an honorable draw. We saw some insipid behavior from the (at the time) world champions India in the West Indies this year, when they refused to pursue a simple run chase in the name of 'safety'. That match flopped and died.

But on this day, there was none of that fluff, the heart of Test cricket was re-invigorated, injected with an air of enthusiasm and unabashed optimism. Zimbabwe went for it, and in fact wrestled the upper hand at one stage. New Zealand were nervous as Taylor went about carving the attack, letting everyone know that they will not lie down, and that the only possible results were a famous victory or a heroic loss. With the able help of Tatenda Taibu, they were within 100 runs of touching distance.

Looks like we'll have to skip that early shower. © AFP

New Zealand had to squeeze every ounce of bowling ability they had to stop them. The result was a loss by a nerve racking 34 runs on paper, and a series lost 1:0. But the true result was much more than that. It was a sign that some teams are willing to play for the win and give us spectators what we deserve. It was a revival of the cricket format that faces intense scrutiny for being the dullest form of all. 

It was proof that the number ten cricketing nation is finally making a comeback.

India vs England - Series Preview

With the Australian aura disappearing quicker than bottled water during the Y2K, there have been two teams that have thrust their hands up like eager school children to claim the number one throne. These two teams are due to clash, providing what promises to be a showpiece cricketing tour that will rekindle the dwindling interest we are seeing these days. The series, is England versus India, and while I believe both are nowhere near the quality of the Australian empire, it promises to be a mouth watering clash nonetheless.

Not this sort of watering we hope.  © Getty Images

But lets make one thing absolutely clear, the second half of that tour will be nothing but dribble. England are a woeful limited overs outfit, evidenced by a narrow victory over a Murali-less Sri Lanka, and an awful World Cup campaign that left foot prints planted smartly into pant seats. Despite the grubby Indian outfit barely managing a series victory in the West Indies, a full strength Indian outfit should be far too much here.

Let us focus then on the test matches, where the real juice lies.

The Best English Team In Decades?
The English have seemingly forever been a horror story of cricket. They always had the players, and appeared to have turned the corner in the 2005 ashes, only to be sucked again into the familiar abyss of failure with the 5-0 ashes drubbing that followed that. But then the clouds began to clear, probably a lot to do with the Australian decline, and England started have finally getting consistent results. Gone is the Flintoff-or-nothing approach, the blaming on injuries and coaches, the dodgy selections, the idiotic notion that Harmison and Panesar were match winners.

Pictured: England's 2003 Test Team. © Getty Images

Suddenly here is a team without an apparent weakness, a bold and clinical leader and capable depth waiting in the wings. All the ledgers are in balance, they have staunch openers, an attacking and consistent middle order, a varied seam attack almost equal to the 2005 Ashes quartet, a real keeper batsman, and the best spinner in the world. Emulating Australia is a definite possibility with this team.

Are The Bollywood Cricketers Up To It?
India may be the highest ranked test side in the world, but a lot of that credit belongs to the Laxman one-man crusades saving them from what would have been dead set defeats. Has that get-out-of-jail card run out of steam? Laxman aside however, a full strength top order reads Sehwag (if not injured), Gambhir, Dravid, Sachin, Laxman, Yuvraj, Dhoni. That is some serious batting, even despite that fact that Dhoni is usually fodder in seaming conditions. But don't forget also that most of these men haven't seen cricket since the IPL, and haven't seen real cricket since the World Cup.

Not quite the match practice we had in mind.© AFP 

The bowling unit has the wile of Zaheer Khan, easily their bowling trump card, and the rediscovered mojo of Ishant Sharma. India will rely heavily on these two, but despite that Munaf can also be useful in seaming conditions if he gets it right, and despite joining the 400 club, India will benefit from playing Mishra instead of Bhajji. Harbhajan is ample proof that the modern game will skew numbers, he is nowhere near the historical 400 club in quality. 

The Differences
Virender Sehwag is the only player immune to bowling conditions. If the wickets tumble which is very likely, he will be a key figure in turning an egg faced 150 into a modest 250.

Chris Tremlett the Terminator had Tendulkar missing everything the last time India toured, and thanks to some long overdue consistent selections, he is firmly in place to wreak some serious havoc. He has all the tools, pace, bounce, presence and most of all, control. He is the real Harmison.

Sarah Conner would have no chance. © Getty Images 

The Prediction
The most hilarious thing is watching both these sides pretend to be Australia. There is a plethora of swagger to be had from both sides, both believing that they have earned the crown to be labelled number one in the world. Untrue, as the pillar known as Australian cricket tumbled with old age, it wasn't defeated. Albeit a notch down, these are two very even teams.

An important factor is that England are at home, and India should expect seaming conditions which could undo them. Add to that a lack of match practice for most of the top order and their chief architect Zaheer Khan. England have come off a thorough mauling of Sri Lanka, while India, fielding a B side, looked scrappy and bored against a poor West Indies outfit. Given these crucial factors, England has the edge.